There are no Star Wars spoilers in this piece. Read without fear, but beware of clicking any of the links presented herein.
I haven’t seen Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. I probably won’t see it until well into the new year—the idea of waiting in line to see a movie in a theater just doesn’t fly for me anymore. Ars Editor Tiffany Kelly hit up the press screening in LA, but I haven’t talked to her about the film yet, nor have I talked to our Disney PR rep or anyone else affiliated with the film.
Nonetheless, I already know everything that happens, from crawl to credits.
Though Abrams and friends planned to keep things under wraps for as long as possible for the fans, and in spite of Disney’s lunatic hair-trigger litigiousness, no plan survives contact with the enemy—and in this case, the enemy has proven to be anyone entering the theater for premiere screenings, in and outside of the United States. As I write this, it’s still a few hours until the general public in the US gets an unchaperoned crack at the films—evening screenings start tonight—but even though I made only a casual search for Star Wars spoilers, it took only moments to gobble up dozens of plot points and revelations. After maybe fifteen minutes of reading and watching, I’d seen everything. I’d seen it all.