On some galaxies far, far away, it'd be a bad idea for a reputable news outlet to dedicate an entire article to spoiling and excavating the secrets of a four-day-old movie. But not this one. Star Wars: The Force Awakens will likely cross a record-smashing $245 million threshold for opening weekend numbers—meaning, many of you have likely seen the film. (Heck, you might already be quoting it.)
As of today, most of Ars' staff has seen the film in our respective cities, as well—catching up with our very lucky Episode VII critic Tiffany Kelly—and we have lots of thoughts to offer on the other side of the veritable awakening. We're going full spoiler on this one; the first blurb, which you can see below on an average computer monitor, is kinda-sorta spoiler-free, in case you clicked on this like a real masochist, but this page has been organized from "least spoiled" to "most spoiled," so the lower you scroll, the deeper you'll get.
We're not kidding. Lotsa spoilers below. You've been so warned.