Much like the mystics of old, Wall Street analysts have to make do with the portents that are available to them.

Thusly, the analysts have entered the sacred cave, huffed the sacred air (5 percent oxygen, 80 percent natural gas, 15 percent bat guano), read the innards of a small beast (in this case a caddy from a Westchester country club who recommended a 9 iron in a sand trap 10 feet from the green) and the Wall Street Journal brings us their dire warnings:

“Signs Point to Underwhelming iPhone Sales for Apple, Analysts Say.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

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