We’re entering peak rumor season for the fall smartphones so it’s a great time to use them as a Rorschach test and see what forbidden secrets of your soul they reveal!

Writing for The Boy Genius Report, Zach Epstein describes the new hotness (WARNING: MAY ACTUALLY BURN YOU).

“Galaxy Note 8 leak: Key benchmark beats iPhone 7 Plus.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Matthew.)

Is the benchmark “thermal units generated”? Ha-ha! The Macalope jokes because the Galaxy Note 7 was a dangerous laughing stock of a phone, you see.

If Samsung’s upcoming Galaxy Note 8 doesn’t start exploding in users’ hands like last year’s Note model…

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